mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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