I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
