got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
