But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
