Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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