Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
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My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
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