i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
