There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
