My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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