I just made out with a guy for $7.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
