I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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