I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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