Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
