So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
