Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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