I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
