Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
