He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
