My Higher Power is John Stamos
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
