i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i think my mom watched the whole time
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
