I got chris browned last night
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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