I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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