Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
she told me i tasted like america
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
