I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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