the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
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I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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