dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
