So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
