The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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