Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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