Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
