The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
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