Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
