We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
