I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
