hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
