I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
