we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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