ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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