SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm at about main and main street
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
