Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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