did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
