He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
