I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
