she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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