He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
