Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
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But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
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I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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