Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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