Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
