i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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