Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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