Jerry, you need to find god
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
