i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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