my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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