in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.