A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
