the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
