exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
