i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
