i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
