You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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