how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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