Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
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